Hearing about these tragic events gives me pause. I cannot help but relate it to my own experiences and my place in this world.
Ever since I met the Warior and listened to him talk of patriotism, war and the history of this country, I have thought a lot about my biological father. I don't really know him. I never have, but he IS a part of me. He is the mystery of my history; my own personal question mark. I have been told all my life that I look like him, move like him, sound like him. This has always terrified me. Most of what I know of him is less than complimentary and hard to hear. He seems to me a strange, manipulative creature who grows more pathetic with age. And yet, this is my blood. He is half my maker - at least physically. My mother would argue that I am nothing like him, but then, I have always fought to be so... I thought that if I were the opposite of what he was, I would turn out ok.
But as I have gotten older, instead of a great distance, I want to get in close and understand it all. Why did he go to Vietnam? Why did he keep going back? Why did he throw himself out of airplanes over and over again? And why, now, is he such a broken man? What made him so cruel? Why did he turn to drugs? Where did life change for him? Was it before he joined the military? Was it after the war? And why did he leave me/us?
He held me in his arms once. I've seen the photos. But he walked away from his family and (to my knowledge) never looked back. He's never given me an answer with any substance and I don't expect to ever be given one.
My mother is a tough woman. She is self-sufficient and fiercely independent. I suppose I get that from her. But BOTH of us are incredibly loyal and have a high moral code. I know my mother made the decision to leave with me when I was only a few weeks old. What made her do that? Where did she get the strength to walk away and raise me on her own? Once, he had been the man she loved and promised to spend her life with... Did war change that? Was he different before he left for Vietnam? Did he live inside himself so completely that he was able to deceive her, and maybe himself? I won't ever know.
What I do know is that we are at war now. We don't see it and many of us don't really even think about it, but it's there. It's real and it's uglier than I can imagine.
I wonder how many soldiers were different before they saw war. How many are broken inside? How many walk away from any real connection? How many live differently inside themselves?
And I think of their families... How many are mourning the loss of the person they knew before deployment? Did my Granny get back the son she knew before Vietnam? How many family members and friends have had to say goodbye before they were ready? How can we ever show enough gratitude to those people who paid the ultimate price so that we could live lives untouched daily by war?
I am humbled and silenced by such awesome sacrifices.
Military families face hardships many of us removed from daily military life find hard to comprehend. But maybe we can try. Maybe we can seek out information to better educate ourselves about the world and our country's place in it. Maybe we can be a more supportive citizenry and create a more respectful atmosphere for and towards those who fight to protect us - and their families.
These are individuals who have made (and continue to make) the tough choices we don't want to make. They stand in places we can't or won't stand. And they do it without the expectation of praise. When praise does come, it is almost always without fanfare.
These are the great HEROS of the United States of America.
Today they are less in number. We should not forget that it was a choice made by a rare few. It takes a unique person to stand and fight for the safety and well being of people they will never meet.
May these brave and noble warriors rest in peace. May their souls be heralded throughout heaven and and may we never forget to stand with thankful hearts when we are reminded of their honor and sacrifice.
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